mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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