My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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