So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Less talking, more tequila
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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