How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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