HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
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I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
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After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Oh god it's open bar.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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