Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i love accidental penises.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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