I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
