So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
