a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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