If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
