Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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