i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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