mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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