i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Your penis caused this!
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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