It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
