spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
