i was born a porn star she said
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
