I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
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I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
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Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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