My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
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