I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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