But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
