don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
