is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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