I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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