she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
