I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
