I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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