im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
