so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I have aggressive nipples.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
