We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
