According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
