Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
