My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
