Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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