I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
