I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
