Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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