we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
