One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
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i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
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Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
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