I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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