Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
