I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
