At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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