I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
