apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
