Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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