Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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