I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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