Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
