So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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