You just made me feel so damn special
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
