It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
