We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
