Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
