Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
