I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
