She is in my trunk
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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