I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
