oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
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